3. how does someone
get consent?

We understand that for some people it can be awkward to talk about sex. So we have four steps to consent to help people have that conversation! Getting consent for sexual stuff is basically just the same as getting consent for anything else, like what movie to watch, where to go on the weekend, or what to eat together.

1.    ASK

First of all ask yourself what you are keen to do sexually. Ask the person you are with the same thing – it can be as simple as “So…what do you want to do?” or “Are you sure you want to do this”? It can sometimes be tempting to try and ask in subtle ways without actually directly saying what you want. The trouble with that is sometimes the other person may not be sure what you mean or thinks you mean something else (which can often make things awkward). We think that it’s best to just be straight-up and direct so that there’s no room for confusion.

2.    LISTEN

Listen for ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ messages from yourself and the other person. When listening, remember to notice body language as well as what is being said out loud – some people find it really hard to say ‘No’ verbally if they aren’t keen on what is happening.

It also involves your physical reactions. If it hurts stop. Sex should not hurt.

If someone is saying 'Maybe', 'I’m not sure', backing away, staying really still or being silent they are not saying ‘Yes’. Back off and ask them how they are feeling. 

'No' messages can be things like looking sad or upset, refusing to make eye contact, crying, being very still, moving away or not responding to touch, putting their clothes back on.

'Yes' messages can be things like people looking happy, making eye contact, moving towards and responding to touch, kissing back, taking their clothes off.

 

3.    RESPECT

Respect the person you are asking to do sexual stuff with. You might be keen to be sexual with them, but if they’re not so sure - show respect and stop what you’re doing. Respect how they might be feeling. Don’t force, pressure or guilt them into doing something they don’t want to do. Respect your own morals and beliefs as well, they are what make us unique. The right person will respect these also.

4.    REFLECT

This means looking back on something that has happened and thinking about how it made you feel, whether it’s sexual or not. Reflecting on what you’ve done sexually can help you learn about what you like or don’t like. It is also useful to talk with the person you were with, see what they liked, and what they want to do again.